Beauty in the Breakdown

Hello Sweet Friends~ I wanted to reach out and open up my heart space about the last several months of my recovery as I finally feel ready to do so. As some of you may know I was in a very serious car crash in early December of last year that almost took my life. A few weeks prior to the accident I had what you could call a quarter/mid life crisis and absolutely spiraled down to my rock bottom.

My life seemed so perfect on the outside to everyone and I continued to smile and show up each and every day. It actually was pretty perfect for a very long while until I stopped putting up boundaries and took on as much as I could thinking that if it was something I loved doing, it would be fine. But the reality was I had too much on my plate at the end of the year and was offering too much of my energy, spreading myself too thin.

The result was that my inner cup became extremely empty and dry. Completely parched and desperate. I could help others all day finding balance and peace in life and show them ways to fill up their inner cups but when it came to taking care of myself, I put that on the back burner more and more the busier I got. I used to be so good at carving out the space to stay replenished but the more I took on, the less time there was for me. 

Friends, when your cup gets dry and there is nothing left inside, the inner critic gets very loud and very convincing. I was expecting way too much of myself and began to doubt my worth as a yoga teacher. How could I teach something that was, at the time, too damn hard to practice myself?

The thoughts began to race and continued to belittle me and put me down. I began to feel extremely guilty and almost like a hypocrite for not being able to kick this feeling. This is all proof that you can do what you LOVE in life and still get burnt out and still get sucked into the lies of the inner voice and still look like you have your shit together.

 At the end of last year we had SO many BIG life changes taking place and ALL in such a TINY window of time that I simply broke down mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My husband’s Mother, my beautiful Mother in Law, BEBE passed away late summer and left all of our hearts shattered into a trillion pieces. This all happened right when school was going back into session and our emotions were all over the place. The boys were so close to their BEBE and losing her was like losing a limb. Life was just too hard to deal with during this time.

We also had some wonderful changes happening and were planning our big move into our new Yoga Space we had bought and were in the middle of opening up Yoga Bliss School for Teacher Training. Looking back now, I see that my car crash was no accident at all. It was a very clear sign from the Universe to STOP. Completely STOP the dizzying pace I was racing at and SLOW DOWN. Mourn. Reset. Refocus my Life and my Energy. Pray. SURRENDER.

The wreck left me with two collapsed lungs that both filled with blood, glass shards in my left arm and both knees deeply sliced open to the bone (luckily no ligament damage). I was already at a low right before the wreck came and this all sunk me even deeper. I was unable to walk for weeks and had to use a walker to get around when I was able to get out of bed. I had to have the loving nurses help me bathe in bed and then finally in the shower with benches and lots of assistance. This was so very difficult for me because I was so used to moving so freely in my body. These were the scariest and most humble moments of my life and I did not know how I would go on. I thought that I would never be able to physically teach yoga again and did not even know how I could mentally teach with my inner critic being so loud.

My phone, facebook, instagram and email were all flooded with LOVE and positive messages and I did not even know where to begin with responding. I could not possibly say I was alright at the time, only that I was alive, but I could not even do that. I am very sorry and know that I have created a lot of distance in some of my relationships by not being fully open right away, but I just could not. 

I needed the space to reflect and sift through everything one breath at a time. That passing took close to 3 months with family, therapists, physical therapy, prayer, meditation and journaling. Barely any contact with the outside world except for family and very close friends allowed me to heal.

As the days pressed on I continued to gather more and more strength both mentally and physically. The physical therapists were shocked at my lung and knee recovery. We all know that it was the Divine and the practice of Yoga to thank. The years of Pranayama (breathing exercises) helped with my lungs. The Asanas (postures) helped with the quick turn around in walking again. The Meditation, Mantras & Affirmations helped me return to my optimistic state and feel deep gratitude for Life. Prayer reconnected me to the Divine and to my purpose.

 I began to see a light starting to flicker in the distance and for the first time in months, I felt HOPE deep in my bones and in my soul. A feeling that comforted me that this was not the end but rather the beginning of a new me, a new chapter. I was going to come out stronger and more confident than ever before with a message to share. 

Since I was a young girl I have always had to learn my lessons hard in life, as hard as they can come. But eventually I grow from them. You know what they say, the BEAUTY is in the BREAKDOWN and that is exactly what has happened to me.

It has been a little over 7 months since my car crash and I have never felt better in my entire life. I have a peace inside of me that is expanding every day. My heart is content and my life feels completely fulfilled. Yoga Bliss is thriving and our tribe continues to grow with the most incredible Human Beings that I feel so blessed to share this journey with. A magical metamorphosis has taken place. It is amazing to look back and think of how miserable and lost I felt not long ago during those few months. Life has a funny and sometimes scary way of speaking to us and redirecting us back onto the path of peace when we have lost our way. 

I am so very thankful for all of the wonderful Yogis in our community that pulled together and held Yoga Bliss up while I was out and healing. Katie, Shauna, Kat, Ana, Samantha, Jeremy, Brittany, Lauren and more. Forever grateful for your selfless service and BIG hearts.

I am so thankful for my incredible family, friends, Keystone School and all of the staff at the hospitals for encouraging me to continue on and be brave and never ever give up. And most of all, I am so very blessed for my husband and my children who stood by my side every single second holding me and healing me with their unconditional love.

I love you all deeply and the biggest lesson I have learned from this is to take it slow and to cherish each and every single breath I am gifted. To continue doing what I LOVE, teaching Yoga, but also taking care of myself and to keep my inner cup full and overflowing at all times. I have been doing it daily for the last several months and have never felt better. A more realistic schedule, most hours of every single day spent with my husband and little men, lots of naps, bubble baths, good books, dancing & writing again, to name a few. 

To remember that I am Human and it is OK to not always feel Blissed Out. To feel into all of my emotions but not get to attached to them. To let them come and to let them go. To flow with Life and trust that I am being guided by a Divine current. I am no longer interested in being Wonder Woman and doing as much as I can to feel worthy. I remember now that I AM enough right now in this moment and I know that you are too. Embracing the light and the shadows within as one magical masterpiece. Remembering that we cannot have light without the dark. Together, we can all take it super slow and stroll through this beautiful life smiling and sharing love and light to the world. LOVE YOU ALL FOREVER and I am deeply grateful for my second chance. Namaste.

Blessings & Bliss, Darci Janzen